HSPs, family... and Truth

Dear J_________:

I had a very amazing, dream, illustrative of my enormous growth, just this morning (Thursday)  so I decided to write this. Now I have decided to blog it, as I know (OK suspect) I overwhelm you with words, and you may not even read it. So here it is on line. It’s too bad our family dynamics are so entrenched, but I cannot change that.

All my life I always wanted to help everyone. I did, and I do-- quite a lot. No one knows most of these stories—but I do. I wish I had a witness  (that was you. I thought.)

Until very recently I thought this was a symptom of my messedupness. I have “always” known I was messed up. Until the last few months SOME part of me was messed up.

I tried so long and so hard to get my mother and sister to love me, so very unsuccessfully, and child self was always and forever trying to get them to love me. (Maybe this is a sort of “Stockholm syndrome.)  I appeased them so much, so unsuccessfully that I just unconsciously assumed that my helping, doing things for all and sundry, WANTING to kiss every booboo and make it better, was all part of the appeasement/needy/kick me syndrome. Still... I kept doing it, and felt... well, more messed up--but at the same time it felt RIGHT to be me, and I knew "me" was made that way. This was VERY confusing.

Now that I really understand the HSP condition (and have interacted with many many HSPs) I am clear it is part of that package. It’s a good thing… but can be dangerous. It was for me. Still, it was who I was. I it who I am. Did I mention this was confusing? All I wanted was to give, and to be loved, and to be seen—but it just didn’t work. (Notice I said GIVE.  I could not ask for help or love, or_____--and worse yet, I kept it away… Just as Marge did, but somewhat less so, I think. Except for David. David loved me. Loves me, now and forever.)

Still, even as I began to grasp what I was up against with the family—with help from a terrific therapist—I could not stop trying to appease Noël—and (I now see... you.)  Back in the 90s I had begun to see that there was a problem and I had begun to try to be seen through Noël’s projections. I didn’t know what any of it  was then—I just sensed she never saw me or spoke to me—that something was “off”. I described it this way: I said “My experience of our communications is that something is phony.” It made her go ballistic, of course. I emailed her—she snail mailed me a letter where she said a she was not a string of things I had never thought—let alone said. Even then I knew this was her ‘stuff”—nothing to do with me. (Please note I addressed actions—not her qualities or her value as a person. But clearly she felt attacked—but in ways she herself believed secretly were true.)

This is a lot like you just did—although you never admit to feeling anything and you are less invested in it than Noël. But, “I am not a hairy women”? Where on  earth did that come from? Not me. I have some ideas what that equates to in terms of shadow and anima… but I will mostly keep my mouth shut,as I always have with Noël. (I don’t just up and tell people things they don’t want to know, unless they are paying me to. Unless they have ASKED for my professional opinion. Or... misstated the truth...that will do it. I confess.)

The point is I was struggling to understand me and get out of the pit of being and feeling “bad and wrong.” But as hard as I worked on it, as hard as I worked on me, I still felt defective for so many reasons. And what I secretly thought... "they" said. Ouch. Funny how that works. Now tghat I don't think this stuff... no one says it.

Anyway, off and on I gave up on Noël. (I have cut many people out of my life when they turned on me. It's an HSP thing.)   Even at Summit they seemed to be telling me to give it up with Noël… but I didn’t. Not really. Not from 1984 when I started at Summit, and not until 2007.  But because I had never heard of HSP, I felt there was something wrong with me—or why would this keep happening?  So much evidence that I truly was defective. (What I was --I NOW KNOW-- was a) HSP, b) traumatized and c) full of shame.

Anyway, in 2007, when I felt the best I had for a long time—ever, really  (this was before he economy started to go south and my law practice with it) I said to her “can’t we just bury the hatchet?” She said no, she “doesn’t trust me.”  (Hatchet murderer that I am.) So I gave up again for 3 more years. Her old boyfriend sort of gave me permission, bless him.

Then in 2010 she “wanted a sister”—I was at your house—so she reached out. Wrote to me. Of course, although I have always suspected she wanted something from me she would not ask for,  this was OPENLY and  purely for her own benefit, for her own ends. With trepidation and your encouragement, I tried it. I tiptoed, I walked on eggs…I APPEASED. Of course it didn't go far. Of COURSE every detail had to be on her terms.  Soon enough, she did one of the things I am not OK with, so I ended that "phony conversation.” Since then, recently, she got snarky with me on the genealogy web site, so  we had one more brief interchange—same tune, same outcome. Her terms--her accusations. Not OK with me.

She swears I  did terrible unspecified things to her in our childhood. (or some other time?  I did ask what I needed to know about that I had done wrong, in 2010... she declined to answer.)  I apologized her, but she has never apologized to me--ever.

In my mind, from here in, she an I are not  related except by blood. By accident. Our shared history never connected us as wee have two different recollections of every bit of it. Now the same is happening with you. Apology from me, attempts to be seen and heard by you... No dice. You see what you want to see--and what you see isthe problem is always......... me. NEVER you, or anything you did.

Last week you started a conversation,  on YOUR terms…  Alas fr you, I am different then I was when you saw me last--  am not needy. I an not willing to appease or please you. So, you have decreed...no conversation shall continue. Your decision-- I get no say. A decision that 100% DISEMPOWERS ME. No, you don’t accuse me of the things Noël accuses me of—just (suddenly) of being manipulative and emasculating.  But I reponded, I am sure to your displeasure, that you are the one manipulating me. "EMASCULATING" ME. (!)  BY THE WAY--this accusation by you that I was (for the first time in the 40 some years we have known each other,  "being manipulative and emasculating" did not trigger, bother or upset me in the least ,as a there is zero truth to it. It hits no nerve. It just one of those "Where on  earth did that come from?" things.

During my visit to Vermont, I first became aware YOU were projecting onto me. I didn’t dare stand up to you,then, except a few token efforts--but those were a lot for me in the state I was in.  Now... this. You gotta see this is a pretty amazing (dare I say shitty) way to “resolve”, understand, love or... well, do anything that would heal the family curse. The family wounds. To heal ANYTHING in relationship terms. 

As they say these days... "Seriously?"

Now that I am recovered from all the trauma, and now that I have had that huge breakthrough and lived with it for a year,  now I can see how much I was always appeasing you and how much I HAD BEEN appeasing you for years. I confess this is a form of manipulation-- a covert attempt to get something. I needed to feel there was someone who loved me, who was there for me, so I appeased. 

Manipulation is when you want something from someone and won't just ask for it outright. We both grew up with mothers whom did this, so it is  very hard to be otherwise. So, yes, I did it—instead of asking for love I tried to get it by kissing up to you. I did. I almost never spoke up when you were all wet or of base. (I won't go into detail as it will just piss you off. In fact, I am pretty sure that lack of appeasement is 99% of what is causing you to be angry and project that anger onto me now.)  So, OK-- in a sense that I can be said to have engaged in manipulation. 

But at long last, I can just ask for what I want. (God this feels good! That is why--or how-- I just flat out asked for an apology—which started this whole mishegas of you calling me manipulative and  emasculating.) I don't expect to GET it-- I just need to ask straight out--NOT be manipulating.

That huge breakthrough, during my year in the hotel in San Juan Capistrano? I stood up to a sociopath who was trying mightily to manipulate me…(while I was driving. Winging it. Don’t worry; I was on surface streets, in an intersection going VERY slow.) I did it!!!!!!!!! I stood firm. NO guilt, no doubt, no fear—I told him what MY terms were. I did not give an inch.

When I got back to the hotel I said OUT LOUD—“Carroll—I think you now have on board SSS—Sociopath Survival System.” The final clue that I did have SSS was that that that night I had ghastly,violent and disturbing nightmares. None like them before and none since. SOMETHING in me thought if I stood up to this type of behavior I would die. I broke through that barrier, and part of me—that protective part—was violently alarmed. But it seems all the years of work I had done was enough to allow the old, false protector (and false identity) to die, overnight, and it did. it dies. It's gone.

It has been over a year now and I have not had any more sociopaths. One guy tried some ugly stuff (Him:"Are you gullible?”  Me: “No". Him: "Blah blah blah  (translation "yes you are”.  Me: “Keep this up and we’re done”. Him: " Blah blah..." Me--end of conversion, end of date.

Later, my friend Ai-Ling pointed out several clues that he was a controlling type.  Multiple calls on my cell in one hour, the strange way he drove me back to Sedona when I had clammed up... Clues. Thanks Ai-Ling! Anyway, he was outta MY life real quick. Now when my inner witch-–my "don’t you mess with me thank you very much”--comes out it is ON PURPOSE. MY CHOICE. This feels WONDERFUL.

One more thing about HSPs—we “cut people out of our lives” when they hurt us. I have done this for years. As usual, I thought it was just me being messed up—until I read about the HSP “world”. I read so much more about HSP. I see now I am JUST an HSP—and I see how this applies to our relationship. BUT FOR our long history and but for our BEING FAMILY—(and my really  having no family)-that I would have just cut you out of my life already. I have been so close.

But I see it is now time. We cannot communicate—and there is no way resolve this mess. When you began this recent conversation, my first observation was that you had, for some reason, chosen to frame it as not having to do with our family. For whatever reason you chose to frame it as “man woman stuff.” I knew  that was not the issue,   but if it facilitated discussion I was fine with it—until you wrote and accused me of “venting” when I not only was not angry but had said not one thing that could be described as venting.  (If you look at when I WAS angry with you I ALWAYS signed off “your angry cousin.)

Oh, yes, I said things you didn’t like, but that’s a whole ‘nother animal. That’s calling you out—maybe even fighting. Fighting fair is HEALTHY, just as some anger is healthy. You said plenty of things to me you knew I didn’t like. Mean things. That was OK according to you—so—when  you did it. Now finally I am able to do it. Only I am not being mean—I am not kicking you when you are down--I am just telling it like it is.

I see the problem. Problems.

1. Like Noël, you decree the conversation has to be on YOUR terms—or else.

2. By doing that, by ending the conversation you started by saying you would  not talk to me because I was “angry” and “venting”, you were “cutting me off at the knees”. (Especially as I can't stop doing what I didn’t do. Oops—that’s emasculation… for wo/men. Can you see the irony here?)

3. You were probably angry, because God knows I wasn’t. (I am happier than I have ever been; happy people don’t do angry.) I wrote what I did to you earlier, when I WAS angry, because I needed to speak my truth—but that was lifetimes ago. It was a very important part of me TAKING BACK MY POWER. (And signing it "your angry cousin.) That worked. Then seeing the addict part was the end of the anger, and a HUGE part of my healing.  So no—as asinine as you are being, I am still not angry. In fact, I feel sorry for you. Sorry—I do.

I almost was angry when I realized what you had done—and yes, what you are doing IS manipulation, and yes emasculation and PROJECTING—but then I realized it was just time to give it up. Cut you out of my life. You are my closest kin, as Noël is a truly lost cause, so that’s still hard to do. But I can do no more. I can’t change you—but I can say goodbye to you.I see no hope of actual communication.

This is not to say you did not help me in some--many-- ways. You absolutely did. And I did my part in the dysfunction—I did stay mum when you were wrong-over and over and over. I was (As I have mentioned too many times by now) appeasing you. In a certain sense that IS manipulation. Nothing meant to hurt or disempower you—but plenty unconsciously meant to KEEP you from abandoning me. This too may be part HSP stuff.

I needed you.  I didn’t know any other way to be or act with someone I needed love from. With family. I still don’t. (Nicky and I don’t interact this way—I think he was the “designated patient” in your family and he never projects. But I imagine I will lose him now, too. Just like with Noël and the kids. I hope I am wrong.)

There is no hope for us. I thought there might be—I dared hope you would take what I had written about the maiden to one of your men and talk. Look inside.  Do your shadow work—as you felt free to tell me I should do, back in our disastrous Fall of 2010. It is our only hope. (I have done mine, for years,  and will do continue to do mine. I can’t do yours.) Us HSPS have an advantage here--for good or ill.

Yes, I HOPED you would really own the facts I pointed out to you--CALLED YOU OUT ON—like that you “can’t be wrong”...  but you are wrong.(As we all are, by the way!)

Facts like… what you think is me is  your stuff in your shadow. Facts like that I never demanded anything from you, or manipulated you or emasculated you—that that is your stuff. Facts like that I have in fact grown more than you. Facts like am not the mental picture of me that you have in your head.

I HOPED. Because YOU started that conversation I really thought maybe we could deal in truth—that stuff that sets us all free—and then be real friends. But then you cut off the conversation because it made you (angry and) uncomfortable, so… No dice. Not possible. That is never going to happen. Ergo, I have reached the sad conclusion that we cannot be in any relationship as it is hurtful in the extreme to be treated thus—USED-by you as a screen for your stuff. It’s wrong. And it’s unproductive.

I HATE that in MY life family is a source ONLY of pain… but it is. So--- unless you can own your stuff—this is “so long.”  Any time you find it in yourself to say (even ONLY to yourself) “I could be wrong”—you know where I am.