R E S P E C T--and Boundaries

“I am just trying to help…”

Has anyone ever given you that line about “help” and your guts had a nasty punched like feeling… but you were not sure why?

As I have mentioned, the snarkinesss, the personal attacks and general nastiness in what are supposed to be beneficial discussions has spread from Facebook to LinkedIn now.  In a professional forum to which I belong, I came to the defense of a friend of mine (who is a friend because we agree on the topic under discussion) when he as personally attacked as to his life choices—not his professional views.

This actual  defense was more of the principles of proper discussion and conflict resolution-- the principle that perusal attacks are uncalled for and do NOT fit the forum—but as it was this particular person who was attacked, he was the flash point. Actually I was surprised when he called me to say thank you and asked “does everyone hate me?"

But the thing that REALLY got me was that after 2 snarky, slimy, condescending remarks addressed to “M”, another guy started in on ME as thought I had been the one who was accused of  needing to ”move on" (in my life) and of “attacking every ____”. I was not. Of course (again) it was projection on the poster's part. M had not done any of this either, naturally. He had simply shared the fact that his work (and his forward thinking views)  are being well received. (A threat to some it seems.) And that those views had been shaped by his childhood.

But these people in this forum are supposed professional communicators and professional conflict resolution experts…so I was pretty disgusted by all this. But I spent my entire childhood being subjected to covert manipulation and disguised hostility-ergo, at this point my gut said “This is what is happening here” and I started to wonder if, in in this age of the internet, I could prove it.

So I googled “unsolicited advice” and bingo. “Unsolicited advice is criticism in disguise.” Of course the article did not point out the covertness of this—or the double bind the receiver of this mixed message is instantly placed in, when there are disguised motives behind a smile and a “helping hand.” The layered slipperiness of the disguise. Especially when the thing the receiver is being criticized for is really and truly the sender's own shadow. Projection. This is like a tar-baby; anything you do... you get stuck. Once you are accused of a falsehood you cannot prove it never happened. And the more you say the worse it gets. The more people--especially those with an agenda—will use the very discussion as proof. (This is, as I noted before, a major feature of the current political scene. It is really creepy.)

Alas this is a dynamic too little understood and almost NEVER commented on. I did find this: “Most critics I know think they are mentors, but I’ve never known a good mentor who is easily mistaken for a critic.” (Read more: http://articles.businessinsider.com/2010-12-02/strategy/30054324_1_critics-mentors-relationship#ixzz1rb4NFpQL)

I recently found the technique of “gaslighting" mentioned in an edition of the American Bar Association Journal—this, too, happens a great deal: “ [G] aslighting involves the projection...of psychic conflicts from the perpetrator [sender] to the victim [receiver]: 'this ...is based on a very special kind of "transfer"...of painful ...mental conflicts'.[4]” 

This is, in essence, what the accuser in this dialogue was doing. I had none of what he accused me of going on, psychologically—but he did. To wit: “I don't want to fight with you C____ or with anyone else. I think Roy and Sherry were trying to be helpful to you and to begin to heal situation in a collaborative spirit. I doubt you will be able to use this but I will risk it any way. When you state "Alas I feel this way about ____ practice itself lately," it sounds to me like you have a lot more conflict going on than just this dust up. I suggest again you need to hear the supportive voices of some of those around you. As you say, no one is attacking you. It's time for a long look in the mirror.”

(Remember—all I did-- many posts back was point out and object to the personal attack-- on SOMEONE ELSE… I had no "situation" and I did not need "healing." Moreover, the "Roy and Sherry were trying to be helpful to you " remarks he referenced were not address to me!)  This, gentle readers.. is GASLIGHTING. This guy knew full well it was not I who was addressed by "Roy and Sherry." It was this person who needed to "look in the mirror." The initial statements which started this were not attacks they were CRITICISM--of a type of behavior which harms others.(By lawyers.) I too have some criticism of this issue, Both were seen by some as not only attacks, but personal attacks.

It is extremely difficult for those to whom this was done in childhood (yes, that would be me) to disentangle themselves from it. It is disheartening to see it happening in group where the focus is ostensibly a form of service to those most vulnerable...and to see it pass unchallenged.

I responded to my accuser in a private message and told him if I he ever did it again I will call him out publicly.And I will; it is the ONLY way to stop an insidious and harmful manipulation.

But I have been pondering (as I am wont to do) why certain people do this-- send distorted messages with  the apparent intent to confuse and dismiss or diminish others. It has to be about power. Ergo, they must feel powerless. With this understanding I can feel a common humanity with the PERSON. I still intend to shine the light of truth on the behavior.

The truth will set you free...... but it just may piss you off first.